Cranial Implosion on Aeroplanes

It’s a cruel world for a person consumed with wanderlust but overwhelmed with an irrational fear of flying.

In short, that person is me. I’ve always loved the excitement that visiting a new country brings. My senses come alive and I lap up the intoxicating sounds, sights and smells that abound on foreign soil.

Unfortunately there’s the little matter of getting there first and with time this has become a concern of increasing magnitude for me. Yesterday, I was telling a friend about my flying phobias and it ended in a fit of uncontrollable laughter because my list of flying fears is quite ridiculous. In fact I am surprised my brain doesn’t explode on an aeroplane considering all the things I worry about. Here are a few of the best ones:

Low cost airlines – despite the fact that many of the low cost airlines in the UK have flawless safety records (yes, I research an airline’s safety record before I will fly with them), I just can’t help feeling that they must be cutting the cost somewhere. So I spend the entire flight watching various parts of the plane to see if bits rattle/ fall off/ explode.

Counterfeit aeroplane parts – this links in with the point above. But the truth is counterfeit parts have resulted in unnecessary crashes over the years. Read ‘Airframe’ by Michael Crichton if you want to join me in this phobia.

Aeroplane toilets – this one is a double edged sword as I hate public toilets anyway as a result of my aversion to germs. Add to this an impossibly small cubicle, turbulence, queues, oh and a toilet that sounds like it’s going to suck you out into the abyss when you flush it and the result is me sitting cross-legged for the entire flight.

Terrorists – does anyone not fear this on a flight these days?

Gradual loss of cabin pressure – if you’re flying, take a bag of unopened crisps with you. If they burst then there is a good chance the cabin hasn’t pressurised properly. Hopefully you haven’t got hypoxia by this point though or it’s too late anyway. I remember reading an article years ago that said that oxygen masks only come down in an event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, hence the need for a bag of crisps as back up!

Hitting an air pocket – This can result in a serious, sudden drop in altitude - made even worse if you are squatting over the toilet trying not to touch any germ-ridden surfaces at the time.

Losing my passport – imagine reaching your destination - having survived the ordeal of flying - only to be deported (and placed back onto a steel-caged death trap of an aeroplane) because you have lost your passport along the way. My idea of hell.

So there you have it. An insight into my overactive little mind. Fancy flying with me? Didn’t think so!

image from dreamstime